Any advice would be appreciated. I'm putting this as briefly as I can.

I was raised by my mother in an abusive, neglectful way. Several therapists to whom I've told my story tell me that my mother acts like a two year old, and has borderline personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder. (How could they say that if they didn't meet her, but they say that based on what I've told them of my childhood, etc.)

I have, however, tried desperately, to keep a relationship with her. Not so much for me, but for her. Out of obligation, guilt, whatever. I believe in my heart she is a loving her person, and loves me and tries to be there for me in the ways she knows how.

BUT: my 11 year old daughter HATES my mother. My daughter loves everyone else in my wife's family, and even my family, but she cannot STAND my mother. This is because of how my mother has acted, and treated her. I believe it is my mother's doing and her refusal to accept responsibility. My daughter is thriving in her life in all ways, but cannot stand my mother.

(5 years ago I was walking with my other daughter, and a drunk driver ran his vehicle into us. My daughter was killed, and I suffered horrific damage, but survived. So, my 11 year old (then 7) lost her sister.)

My wife cannot STAND my mother, because of my mother has acted.

My wife and daughter haven't been to my mom's place in over a year, and I have stopped asking them to come and "try to get along". It just doesn't happen. It can't. My mother will start up right away with something. She ruins it.

My mother chose to smoke while pregnant, and I was born premature and almost died. She chose to smoke in my face as a child. Now she has COPD and emphysema. Trying to talk to her about this stuff is impossible. She's freakishly unreasonable and illogical, and now, she cries that her breathing is affected by the conflict.

Once a month I have been taking my 3 year old son so my mom's. He has some issues (autism) and opens and closes doors, which my mother has refused to get doorknob covers for. She finally said she'd go to the hardware store to "accommodate" me. Even when I take my son there, she finds a way to ruin it half (or more) of the time. Like complain that I don't see her enough.

I must be stupid to keep this up. She can be very loving with my son, and was very loving with my daughter who was killed. But her mental problems (which she says she doesn't have) have made my daughter and wife not want to be around her. I don't even really want to be around her, right now. I have tried to be a good son, to the point where I have caused problems in my own family.

I have this "hook" in me. How the heck to do let it go? I've been to therapy. I tried therapy with my mother. Helped, some, but she wont' acknowledge her problems.

I want to get this "hook" out of me, even though I love her, and she loves me. I can't stand this. I'm supposed to take my son to my mom's alone because my wife and daughter can't stand her?!

I must look REALLY stupid.