I couldn't agree more. It has long puzzled me. If "it didn't really happen," it was "just my imagination," or "it's not as bad as I made it out to be," then no real harm was done, right? And if no real harm was done, then what is there to forgive? How can a crime be forgiven if it didn't happen in the first place? That's like trying to eat food from an empty plate. You can go through the motions, but you can't actually eat it if it isn't there. So, "forgive and forget," or "it didn't really happen." Both of those can't be true.

I have employed a no-contact policy with my mother for some time now. If I had a dollar for every relative, friend, or even perfect stranger who tells me, "You need to forgive your mother and stop holding on to the past...."

Forgiveness DOES NOT MEAN that the person who hurt you, and would continue hurting you if allowed it, should still be welcome in your life! The extent of "forgiveness" that we can do without the person actually repenting is, "OK, I'm not going to put forth any more effort to get justice. Even if you never do say you're sorry or admit you did anything wrong, even if you never do get any kind of punishment or comeuppance, I'm still going to go on with my life. " That's ALL. So many people think there has to be a fresh start, with that person still in your life, and everybody acts as if nothing bad ever happened. Which is great, IF that person who hurt you in the past does in fact repent and change his/her ways toward you. If this doesn't happen, then it isn't forgiveness. It's denial.