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waggiedog · Apr 11, 2014, 02:04 PM

Hi there. I've had all of the various ED's over the last 30 plus years and I still have ED's now. It started with a ''diet'' when I was around 19. I come from a family of compulsive eaters, though I didn't know that as a child, I thought we were ''normal''!!! As kids we were always treated to chocolate or sweets when we were hurt or ill, or when we didn't want to do something, but were enticed by food rewards. The first ''diet'' went so well in actually ended up in Psych hospital with anorexcia/suicidal overdose. During the years that followed (around 6) I was in and out of the emergency room and the Psych hospital. Even when I went on huge binges I'd then try and end my life. I discovered bulimia and it seemed the answer, but only for a short while. It actually made things WORSE, because I was spending as great deal of money of rubbish food, followed by trying to vomit it back up, so binging seemed OK 'cos it wouldn't stay there long. Of course you don't loose weight that way, you can even gain. You get a distended tummy so it looks big, not the answer. Then I was still binging but following with a week or two of starving, sometimes I'd not eat for a month. Binging and starving kept my weight light and stable for around 15 years. Though I was taking stimulants and laxatives too. I was so lovely and thin, it was wonderful!! However now, I'm 55, I'm chubby, partly due to antiphycotic medication and probably a slow metabolisim, or maybe just age!! No matter what I do I can NOT get to weight less than 114llbs and I'm 4' 11" short. Before meds I was around 94llbs so as you can see the gain leaves me so unhappy and feeling fat and horrible. Yes, I am obsessed with my weight, obsessed by what I eat. I'm not actually starving at the moment, not binging but I don't feel comfortable, I want to starve again ~ which means I'll start binging again.............................what to do what to do?? I soooooooooooooo understand all of you guys!! HUGS