So I definitely have been super dependent in the past, just coming to terms with it now. I'm still pretty young, in my late 20s, and I haven't been diagnosed as dependent or anything. I just felt moved to post here.

My family in some ways raised me to be dependent. Didn't encourage me to work or get a driving license for example. I don't know what they thought would happen, but I got the impression I would marry and live happily ever after. My mom put me through a lot when I was dependent on her, too much. I couldnt wait to get out. When my marriage fell apart, it was like walking through fire. I cannot tell you the things I went through. I have been broken and dirt poor since- living on the kindness of friends now.

All I can think about now is how dependency terrifies me. I would rather sell drugs than be where I've been. I'm dealing with a lot of chronic physical and psychiatric disorders, but I would do anything- ANYTHING- to be independent, to have control over my life, to be self-reliant. I am dating, but I'm too freaked out to think about a future with them. I feel like I should break up with them already, but I do love them... I just focus on the here and now. Breathe in, breathe out.

I don't want to go from dependency to the other side of the spectrum. I know I want kids, and I believe I could be happily married. But all I dream about is never being financially or physically vulnerable again.. And yeah, sometimes emotionally too. I dream of a little house with a lot of land, where I have control, where I can have a garden and no one can ever, ever kick me out. It's a pipe dream, but it's all I want.