I think a lot of it is my pure o OCD. I don't have a plan, an idea for a letter, or anything like that. It's really the anxious thought of what ifs messing with me. Another thing it could be is ptsd from seeing my mother try to kill herself when I was 8. I never understood what she was attempting until I was a teenager when I had my first depressive episode.

The ocd is really tough. I remember my ex-T once told me not to live my illness. I really need to follow that advice again.