I am struggling with an eating disorder, which I honestly thought couldn't happen to me. I'm not super deep in, but it's become my self-injury of choice, since I can't do anything that will leave marks. Most of the time I'm okay, but I have bad mood swings/triggers sometimes and that makes me not eat because I need to hurt myself.

Ironically I'm a fat activist, and I have historically had a very healthy relationship with food. I thought there was a place for everything in one's eating, and I enjoyed food without assigning a moral value to it. I'm comfortable with my body- I feel guilty for taking out my emotional pain on it.

I started a secret thinspo board on Pinterest, which has now sprouted another secret board, a how-to of anorexia and bulimia. I find myself reading them over and over when I feel bad. I've restricted my calories to under 1000 several days, which has the weird effect of making me really cold by the end of the day.

I posted in relationships about the dysphoria I feel when I'm turned down sexually by my partner- that's my number one trigger. Also when I think about initiating but don't because he'll refuse me. Today I've had a cup of coffee- I did put sugar in it and not Splenda, so that's something- but now I'm hungry, and I'm just feeling it and feeling good about it. I don't like this, I'm afraid, I already have this long history of suicidal thoughts and I know this is dangerous.

I have told my partner about this, I'm pretty sure he doesn't get it though. His family is very big on dieting and orthorexia. But I'm glad I'm telling y'all about it. I'm glad you are here and I can learn good things from you.