Quote:
Originally Posted by purplemystery
I would like to get to the place where I can do random things too, if only because I think it would increase my trust for my T. I keep asking myself why I can't be spontaneous, if I fear her leaving me like you have. But I have only a month left with her, so I'm really not worried about her kicking me to the curb early. So what could it be? Maybe I fear her judgment, but she has said many times that she won't judge me. Maybe I just need to grit my teeth and do it, and as you say, I'll learn how she reacts and I could use that in the future.
That's really interesting- I never thought of that connection before, but I think it sort of is like apologizing for being there. Or in my case, it could be even deeper: apologizing for having maternal feelings for her. Thanks for the insight.  I'm glad you were able to stop apologizing in your emails. I'll try to take that attitude and start looking around. |
She is leaving in a month? That could be part of the problem. Why trust someone who is going to leave anyway? One of my T's is leaving in a month too. I find myself naturally pulling back and "divorcing" her early. Your hesitation could be out of fear of it hurting more when she leaves next month.
But the maternal transference also adds another layer. I also have maternal transference for another T. With her, it is different because I had an excessively domineering and abusive mother growing up. Basically, this woman was so over the top that she brushed my teeth for me until I was about 13 years old and then just suddenly set me free when I left for college. I was lost and confused and didn't know how to do anything for myself. I still struggle with that but it isn't quite as bad anymore.
But the nature of my maternal transference is mostly seeing this T as an idealized mother figure but at the same time like my actual mother which doesn't really make sense when I put it like that. I don't feel comfortable leading the conversation with my T because I had to assume a submissive role with my actual mother. I wait for her to tell me what to do because I feel lost and confused without guidance. I don't feel like I know what I'm doing or that I have the right to start the conversation. So I often find myself waiting for T to start talking or to pick a topic. The only way I can do better with bringing up stuff is if she had been talking for a while or writing out something of an outline before session.