thanks.
im trying to learn to live with my hallucinations and paranoia. i fail sometimes. that time i didnt because i didnt want to let everyone down. i almost didnt go and almost backed out at the last moment. but my ticket was booked already and all and everyone was expecting me. i did back out of a couple of things while i was there.

at home its a little more stressful than when i was actually there (minus the plane rides) because im alone a lot and that gets me highly paranoid. i was highly paranoid when i went because i was alone on the flight and alone with people i havent seen in seven years. maybe that sounds weird idk. people being my family but still.

and i really felt like i was being followed by a secret group of people to cali. god i still think that. thats not going away.

my paranoia is always high. that never lets doing. its either bad or worse. cuz it always bad. my hallucinations sometimes go away. but when they come back bad is when i start to do crazy things and end up in hospital.

like lately they been telling me to jump out of my car while im driving and so far ive opened it while driving fast. it never is just gone. theres always something there.