They told me during my last hospitalization that I might have to deal with chronic suicidal ideation for the rest of my life. I disagree about suicide being selfish, though. Why would you want to call someone in so much pain that the only way out they can see is to take themselves permanently out of the game, selfish? To be honest, if someone were to call me selfish for being suicidal, I'd likely never be able to talk to them again.

I didn't choose to feel like this. You can't blame yourself.

In my good times, the thoughts feel neutral, almost like I'm just making plans for later. In my bad times, it feels like something I need to carry out immediately. Usually I will call the mobile crisis unit or go to the hospital when I'm in this spot.

But the bad times always leave, and you can learn to live with the good times.

Believe me, I HAVE a reason for living. Doesn't stop the thoughts. But hell, I haven't done it yet, and when times are good, or even neutral, life is just what it is, and I can live with that.