I think people who have never been suicid can't see it as anything but selfish. Because I don't know about anyone else, but when things are bad enough that I would seriously consider it I also believe that I'm doing everyone a favor because I am such a disgusting, horrible person they are better off without me.

The only thing that changed my perspective on this was when I was in IOP. I had become close to one of the group members because he had bipolar and understood exactly where I was coming from. Anyway I came in one day and asked him how he was doing and he told me his son had committed suicide two days ago. He shared the whole story and all his emotions and I saw that it absolutely destroyed him. I would never kill myself now because I have seen first hand what it does.

However if I get delusional enough like I said I believe others want me to anyway.

I think it's always something I'll deal with too. Just like the self injury urges. I mean I'll have a perfectly fine day, happy, great times, and out of nowhere I think I should just die. Or hurt myself. It sucks but I've kind of just accepted it. What's the DBT term? Radical acceptance.

I'm sorry I can't help more :-(