I'm slowly heading into mania, and apparently there's nothing I can do over the weekend. For the past couple weeks, I've noticed that I have little to no patience for my boys and husband, most notably my 4 year old. He is very much a momma's boy and always feels he needs to be next to me, on me, holding my hand or arm or leg, always on me. Usually I can find the cuteness in it and just laugh it off. But lately, it is annoying as hell and I am yelling at him to get off me and just get away. Wednesday, I was at my oldest's baseball game, and my youngest kept trying to climb on me and I kept pushing him away and telling him no. This was going on over and over and over again, and I was losing patience. I knew there were people around me, and I knew they were paying attention to what was going on, so I tried to be as discrete as possible. What I really wanted to do was push him hard enough that he would fall back over onto his bottom. My thinking was that, maybe that would teach him a lesson and he would leave me alone!
This afternoon, I just about lost it on him again when he's trying to climb all over me and knocks down my water cup and cracks it on the bleachers. Then he's dripping his juice that's upside down into the backpack that has the snacks in it. I was ready to just lose it and yell the hell out of him, no matter who was there. I knew they were watching me get onto him about knocking the cup over and trying to climb all over me, and I really didn't care...normally, I am very self-conscious around other people, worried about how they perceive me. My husband was taking a break from taking photos, and I walked off to call my doctor. The answering service asked if it was an emergency...I said it was heading that way. I couldn't think straight and was just trying to get across that I want to leave a message for him so he can call me back and give me some advice on what I can do to get past this. She said she can only do something if I say it's an emergency....I said it was heading that way, doesn't it seem like that's me saying there's an emergency??? I just hang up on her and suffered through the rest of the game. I was fighting back tears, I was just to that point where it feels like nothing is going right or is going to be fixed and I feel so helpless. Then I start thinking about how things are going to go for me because what if I can't wait until Monday morning to call him and get to speak to him? I realize I could have just told the lady that it is an emergency, but I just didn't want to talk to her anymore. I could not treat her professionally.
Long story short, I took 1mg Ativan before we went to a birthday party for my step mother-in-law, just to see if it would do anything. It took about 30 minutes, and my youngest was cute and funny again. But I also have this feeling that I need to be involved in every conversation and compete for the attention, or just be everyone's friend. Maybe it's because I don't have any real close friends, and certainly not one I could go to and tell all this to. But I've noticed when I get manic, I also try and have more conversations with people when they really don't want to. I will put myself out there and start a conversation or do something to maybe get something out of someone. And I'll way overtalk a topic.

I'm just not sure I can wait until Monday morning to call my pdoc. I don't think I'm in an emergency situation, I just want advice on maybe starting to lower my Lamictal to see if that brings me out of this mania. My original plan was to call Monday, but things just seemed to be getting out of control today. But maybe the Ativan is what I need to bring me out of it. It only lasted a couple hours, though.