When you grow up you realize, that in relationships don't mean **** anymore. The fact your body works and you can do whatever is a blessing enough. The thing I struggle with now, I'll never be able to trust a woman. After years of being abused with physical violence and cruel infidelity. I mean like intentional for silly reasons that I'm trying to say I should of demanded respect for myself. I should never went in a relationship with a very low self esteem growing, but now it at least gave me the freedom to do whatever, but at the same time. I have to make room alone which isn't bad, but sometimes I get depressed bout dying alone, with my medical problems.
If you hit someone so many times with stressful abuse over and over so much, you lose the ability to actually accept love anymore. I mean, I accept it, but it has to be something specific as a very tight slow growing friendship, but in this age that's impossible as an adult. Despite popular belief, I did wait to let it happened and I got damaged more and more causing ptsd at some cases. I can't put my heart out, it's like always I have to hold everything back and never win if I hold back too much to them, they think I don't love them in some cases their right and I don't want them to hurt me anymore and I tell them to go away. Then again when I open up too much no matter how long it lasted, I get assumed weak minded and they hop on the bandwagon I'm not a man. I don't care, because I'm not a man inside I'm a woman, and I found out last year, relationships are the worst thing you can do for me. I dread being in one, I don't have committing phobias, but I am done never putting anything out for anyone. It will be cordial and I'm not going to look back even when they smile or make eye contact I'll smile back and pay a short attention then I continue walking.
Growing up I knew all my life I'll never ever get married, because of this. I don't care if anyone thinks this is silly and says it can work. I'm done, because I've done it enough for 8 years trying to date. I didn't like it at all, but then I need help, because I know I don't want to accept this is my life and that my life is stuck with abusive people. There isn't enough words I can put in this paragraphs how it feels hopeless I didn't give up, because I didn't get what I want. I gave up, because I know the opportunity was never there to begin with.
People are so quick to throw away, so I throw away the feelings, before they say hi to me. That's how far it's come over these years. When I get approached, I have to use their tactics against them, because I'm not an idiot. I won't fall for silly games, nor will I get in a pattern to look like I am the one who needs to be manipulated, because I have the body of a man. I wanted to be trans to see the world on the other side myself. I knew I was a woman deep down, but I go through this tough road with hope that maybe with my new body or just a good attitude and confidence I have always I'll find someone decent. In the mean time, I enjoy a casual hookup and not actually seeking females out for that. I don't do that thirsty stuff, it's sad women take respectful people out of a wrong context and like to use that as a form to humiliate you to show that you're just some submissive pawn to their game of being young and being free thinking it's cool. /
It angers me so much, I had my grandpa be at my grandma when she died of alzheimers married for over 60 years and for what. This is what I won't have, I won't be in my grandma's shoes. I don't want codependency I wanted something real, but now I've struggled to accept I will push everyone away when they show they don't care. It's weird the girls I always like are the shittiest people, even the nicer ones who are respectful, aren't interested, but don't have the guts to say anything to my face that they aren't.
I'll never marry a woman for their perfect world and cutting me out like I'm some show toy. I don't mean in a good way either, like they have this irrational belief I'm perfect, but actually look for imperfections instead of dealing and accepting and be happy I exist they find it negative to their "perfect" utopia in their head and say o he's not the perfect guy I "need" so I'll pitch him, because I will say I love him, but I don't. I'm not kidding this is what I witness a lot, I don't care what woman finds this untrue, because this is sadly what I'm constantly exposed to. I have to shut them out and not let them in, because I am ahead of their manipulation and caddy petty ********.
I am a woman at heart in a man's body and I find this offensive highly and degrading to other women who actually try and put their heart out and lose it the same way I did, because the guy didn't care. It's this neglectful behavior is exactly why I won't ever talk to a girl, I'm not shy at all I am a very good sweet talker. I just won't degrade myself to be walked all over by this ignorance. I'm sorry, I need help, because I'm not miserable, because of rejection. I can take that, but the way some people do it in an not necessary way that's very mean. I find it repulsive and trashy as a person not that she is a woman, did I do anything wrong here? or am I ****ed up or a **** up? I don't even care, because I live my life single, because I have the power to ignore the ********. Please help