Hey all.

I know you are gonna be probably judgmental. Maybe you will all think i am spoiled or anything. Maybe not. I have not been diagnosed with bipolar yet. In fact I am about to start therapy. It is not the first time I do therapy, as I have done for 2 years from 17 to 19. I am 23 now.. So I do have bad mood swings for the last 2 year, which are getting worse and worse. I had a major depressive episode in January which was followed by a hypomanic phase. This is when I realized that I may be bipolar 2. I do experience mixed episodes these last 2 years. In fact I think I have on since a couple of days. I cannot sleep. I feel irritable all the time, nervous, anxious, thoughts are racing through my mind, bad thoughts, even suicidal ones. I feel like a burden to those I love and I strongly believe they do not deserve seeing me like the piece of sh... I look all the time. Miserable and all.. An hour ago I went to the balcony and really thought about jumping off and giving an end to it. Only the thought of my dog prevents me. I was on some herbal stuff, st johns wort which kinda helped on the mood swings but i do not feel like getting it anymore. And anyway, I write here at the forum, cause it is unbearable. I know I should start therapy asap. But I am kind of denial. I know I have too but I am trying to keep it under control. Which is, well, not always successful. The hypomanic phase is something wonderful, like a shiny summer day, you feel so powerful, ready to conquer the world, so productive, so charming, you talk and talk and are the best to be around. But the darkness you fall into after that..