I don't know what I am. I put on so many different masks. I can act outgoing and fun, or quiet and shy without even thinking about it. I become this kind, loving and social person some days. I laugh and make sure everyone feels safe. The next day I'm avoiding all social situations, staring at the floor and constantly pinching myself to keep in touch with reality. I don't feel like neither of those sides are ME. I don't care about the people I'm being nice to, I feel nothing for them.
I'm being so mean and manipulative towards the people I love. I don't mean to be, it just happens, I feel awful afterwards. I toy around with my mother's emotions to get what I want and always make sure she feels terrible when we're arguing. I insult my brother, who is chronically ill in the most cruel ways when he makes me mad. I threaten to commit suicide, to do heavy drugs, to run away etc. I always punish myself for being a horrible person by selfharming though.
I feel like my mental illness isn't bad enough, yet I use it as an excuse for being a **** and yell at people for not being careful around me because I'm vulnerable. I don't know why I do that either. It just happens. And I hate it.
I just want them to stay with me, and since my parents sent me to this ******* treatment center, I feel so abandoned and unwanted. I'm just pushing them away with my stupid behaviours and moodswings, I know that. I want them to hug me but everytime they try when I'm upset, I get even more upset, push them away and start yelling again.
I'm so scared they'll see me living elsewhere while in therapy as a chance to shut me out of their lives completely. As for the only person I love outside my family... she's got BPD too. But she's a better person. She doesn't hurt others the way I do. I hurt her too... when I get too paranoid and afraid of being abandoned by her I sometimes threaten to commit suicide or do heavy drugs, or I just accuse her of pushing me away. This is the most horrible thing I could to to someone with BPD... I've given her panic attacks and I'll never forgive myself for this. I just want to hug her. I've promised myself to stop the threats towards her. Never again. I'll just cut myself a little deeper than I usually allow myself to do or something to keep me from doing it. I just want to make her happy. You have no idea how much I'm breaking while writing this... this girl means the world to me. I can't even begin to describe how beautiful I think she is in every way.
I dissociate too much. I can't even move sometimes, I feel an overwhelming urge to scream and cry but all I can do is lay there, stare at the ceiling, unable to even move my little finger. Normally though, I just can't recognize myself in the mirror, other people seem unreal. It's hard to describe but, I feel like I'm sitting inside my eyes, looking out through a window. Everything, even my own body is so far away.
I've been diagnosed with PTSD too. I feel bad about that. Like I'm not in a bad enough state, and the things that happened to me weren't traumatizing enough to put me in that category. I mean, I'm traumatized, but not enough for PTSD.
I hate being a horrible person, and how I always act like a martyr. I just want a normal life, normal emotions. I just want to be held and loved.
Help me

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