Well, I've woken up.
Panic for better of a word is kind of back... but still a sort of emptiness, so yeah... weirdly just 'being' at the moment as I don't seem to be feeling all so much.
Will try and break down my reply to respond to each of the points you made Alison, as I've said before and I hope you see well mannered amusement... your posts are just chocker blocked with information to absorb (a really good thing... but on first read I generally go 'eep' lol... I really wish I had the energy and clarity to do the following more often as I think not doing so is a bit of an insult considering the effort you put in)
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Originally Posted by Frankbtl
Hi ToeJam, good that the anxieties down!! As for the other feelings, I know it must be really hard but it can take some time for them to lift a bit more, particularly after how you've been feeling, but at least you're breaking through a little, just try to remember and keep a hold of that.
And you do seriously have some great insight- maybe more than you think!!  |
Oddly enough, with regards to 'insight', my T has picked up on that... not so much I think with what I say about me... well in part perhaps... but towards my insight into others. She mentioned that I have a really good antenna for noticing nuances and behaviour.
On the flip side, I'm very critical when it comes to my own.
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You have pushed yourself to go to archery class despite......;you are acknowledging that it didn't go that well- not because of the class, not because of you, but because of the depression, and you were fighting it in not letting it make it harder for you to return another time!!
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Yeah... that's from experience I guess. I have given up on so many things that I wanted to do in the past for the very reason of having no energy and being unable to face other people on any given day.
On this occasion I pushed past that and bit the bullet... hoping I can have the presence of mind to do so more often. Of course, when I look at it in a logical sense, I do this all the time due to work... but then I suppose the context to look at is 'choice' vs 'lack of'.
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and kind of "nail on the head" here (!!), if it's true: "so I probably don't elaborate enough nor say it as it is. But I put the mask on"
You've recognised something that's probably not helping which is great, and that's something you can change!! OK, might not be easy.......might be hard........but.........
You know there's NO "making a meal of things" when your talking feelings as real as yours. They really do matter!! They really are important!! YOU really are important!!
And anyway, you know if we care (which we do!!) why shouldn't other people??!! Particularly if it's their job, like your G.P's- so going to tell them a little more/or try to??
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You're right and in an ideal world that would be how things work... but the cynical side of me accounts for bias, pre-conceptions and other factors such as people having a bad nights sleep before they too get to work.
All these things play in my mind and so as to stop the hurt of being dismissed after 'opening up', I pre-empt in sometimes... soften things down... to soften the blow of what I see coming - rejection.
My own worst enemy I guess... and on Wednesday I'll endeavour to go in with it as it is... and sod what happens after.
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As for the writing do you think it may help to just write down anything without even trying to concentrate and see where it goes?? Then even if at the end of it there's only one sentence you think "maybe" then that's something!! Then maybe another time it could go to two "maybe"'s??
Then, it might even give you some recognition/connection/satisfaction (?) just by reading things you've already written, without writing for now.
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Been looking towards writing a fictional book... got a bulk of notes, snippets and ideas all on paper... however, of late things haven't been flowing so well, leading to frustration. Taking a small break from it as, being something I enjoy, I don't want to view it as a chore or dread.
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Originally Posted by sidestepper
I understand this. There are times I want so much to get a response and...nothing. But then too I'm guilty of being unable to think of anything to say, especially when I'm feeling really down. I try to tell myself that's part of the reason for lack of responds, that others are having a hard time, but usually I go right to, what's wrong with me? Especially if I feel I poured my soul into a posting. But here no one can see me crying over a hard posting and unless I spell that out no one really knows how hard it was. I think we all have times when we get more sensitive, especially when we have nothing else to keep us distracted. Hang in there. I for one can relate to many of your postings.
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Thanks sidestepper... it's nice to know I'm not alone... felt a bit petulant when I looked back on what I wrote. Was very much an emotional outburst
On the + side, it let out all that built up anxiousness and upset that was bubbling beneath the surface.
Thanks for posting that, I really appreciate it
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Independent Mental Health Advocate (IMHA): UK