I must be stupid to keep this up. She can be very loving with my son, and was very loving with my daughter who was killed. But her mental problems (which she says she doesn't have) have made my daughter and wife not want to be around her. I don't even really want to be around her, right now. I have tried to be a good son, to the point where I have caused problems in my own family.

I have this "hook" in me. How the heck to do let it go? I've been to therapy. I tried therapy with my mother. Helped, some, but she wont' acknowledge her problems.

I want to get this "hook" out of me, even though I love her, and she loves me. I can't stand this. I'm supposed to take my son to my mom's alone because my wife and daughter can't stand her?!
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Wow, you are a good son for still trying to get along with your mother after all that! I think that deep down you are hoping that she will eventually change or see the error of her ways. However, I highly doubt that will happen. Experience has taught me that very few people ever change unless they are highly motivated to do so and that they're aware of the fact that what they're doing is wrong. Apparently your mother doesn't seem to think that she is doing anything wrong at all.

Since you say that your daughter and your wife really dislike your mother, don't try to force them to get along with each other or even talk to each other at all, even if it's just over email or the phone. You stated above that it's causing problems for you in your family, so don't make things worse for yourself and everyone else by trying to force them to have a relationship with your mom.

Perhaps one day they'll come around, but until then, they might start feeling a sense of obligation and guilt that will only lead to more resentment if you keep on expecting them to get along with your mother. They have the right to feel the way that they do and honestly, I would not want to have anything to do with a person like that if I were them.

I think it'd be for the best if you cut your visits with your mother short when she acts up and upsets you. She sounds like a toxic person. Although you think that she is not really a bad person, she is toxic. Perhaps doing some research on toxic people and dysfunctional parents, you can find ways to cope with what you're going through. Therapists don't always help IMHO. A lot of them have this one size fits all approach to certain issues it seems like. Also, look into books about people like your mom.

Keep your contact with your mom minimal and walk away or cut your calls short and say that you have to go when she starts acting toxic. If you don't do this, then you'll only be enabling bad behavior. I'm no expert on this topic, but I do think that I'm fairly smart and I have good common sense when it comes to certain things.

I still have to deal with my dysfunctional parents from time to time, but I cut off most contact with them for my own sanity. I can only tolerate them in small doses and I have made it clear to what I will not tolerate from them.

It's taken years for them to finally treat me with a little more respect! I'll never be able to change them, but I can change how I react to them, so I did! I ignore them when they act rude, annoying, and nasty most of the time now. Don't forget, do NOT ask your family to get along with your mom until they are ready to!