I am stepmom to a very independent two-going on three year old. Background on him is for the first few months of his life, his incubator didn't do anything for him, daddy got up at night for feedings, calmings etc. Eventually he kicked her out and she took the baby with her. She sold all his toys, bottles and stuff so she could pocket the money. She has a drug problem, although one day she admits it and then the next she says she was joking, and claims to be bi-polar. When he was 6 months he got taken away from her, as did her other kids, so he was with her for about two months. After he was taken away from her, he spent a month with his step sister's granny, who is lovely. When the court case was over he came to dad and his granny. He was very well looked after, finally fed properly, got attention and love. Granny does as grannies do and spoiled him a bit, sh with her he will be very demanding and volatile. According to dad, the biological mother was not on drugs during pregnancy, he made very sure of it.

I moved in just before his first birthday. I got him off the bottle, got him to sleep the night through. He is very attached to granny, as she was his mother figure. He cries for her a lot, and will tantrum to be with her. At this stage, I see it as he knows he can get what he wants with her, so he wants her. He is now going to be three this year.

The reason I need help is because of his behavior. He has no attachment issues, as he can go to bed by himself, goes to school no problem, he is fine playing by himself etc. Sometimes he wakes up whining. There are no tears, but the crying noises are there and he will not stop. I don't want to coddle him because then he will learn that if he cries, I will baby him, but at the same time I don't want to be too harsh. I cannot stand the whining, but I know this is a phase that children go through. I tell him to stop whining or else I will not listen to him, if he speaks to me properly, I will listen. Sometimes he listens, other times he doesn't. If he doesn't, I put him in his room for a time out, or if I have the patience, I just ignore him until he gets over it. Sometimes this can go on for hours, with screaming. I don't shout, I speak to him as I would an adult. Again, if he is feeling insecure about something, I want him to feel safe with me, but what if he is just being otherwise and it is a tantrum?

Another thing he does is ask for something, like a sandwich, or a drink or a toy, but when I hand it to him, he refuses to take it. So I put it away and he screams his head off. I hand it back, but he still won't take it. I explain to him that if he does not take it, I will put it away/in the bin and he will not get it. I notice he is watching to see what I do, but I always follow through with my word and put it away. Then the tantrum gets bad. I don't know how to handle this, as it has happened many times, and he still pushes boundaries. As if he hasn't learned that I do what I say.

He also bites, pinches or smacks me sometimes. What he does to me, I do back, just softer. I don't understand how he can be so stubborn for so long. And his moods are volatile. I have always been consistent in my parenting, I have rules, and they are not broken (sometimes bent slightly if he is sick or sad), but I know routine and consistency are as important to a child as love and care. He seems to be a much more stable child with me and dad than he is with granny, if she is visiting, he gets very moody and demanding and whiny.

He barely ever sees his biological mother, she has no interest in him unless, in my opinion, she feels depressed and useless and she needs to feel important so she will come visit, which has been once in a year. We don't talk about her, in his eyes, I am his mommy, he calls me mommy. Am I being too harsh on him? A wicked stepmother? Or must I just wait it out and see if it gets better, or would a play therapist be suggested? At school he is fine, he occasionally fights, which is normal, but he isn't a problem. Seems to be just at home. Any advice would be appreciated! Sorry for the long post.