I've been in a new town 5 months. It took me from before I moved here (I made the appointment in advance of starting my job in November) to the first week of January to see a pdoc, during which time I had my first full-blown manic episode and crossed over from BP2 to 1.

She put me back on Risperdal (which I asked for, because it had worked beautifully for so long before an ill-advised venture off it), and over the course of 6 weeks or so, the mania went away entirely. Unfortunately, she canceled my 6-week checkup 1 hour before it was to occur. I couldn't get another appointment for another 6 weeks, which puts me at the end of March.

While the mania has gone away, my depression has increased weekly, it seems. I'm thinking very dark thoughts these days and I can't shake it. But I can't get anyone to take me seriously that I *really* *need* *help,* now, please, and quit putting me off!

I posted in SI because I'm not controlling those thoughts/urges well either, but I got out of bed to take some Tylenol and half a Xanax and realized just how crappy I feel. People are beginning to notice that I'm drastically unhappy, but they're unwilling to discuss it very far. I'm on the pdoc cancellation list, but basically got told, you only have 2 more weeks till your appointment, suck it up.

Can somebody please validate my feelings and tell me it is OK to have them and I deserve some help? Because I am beginning to think, in my twisted little brain, that because I'm not getting any, I must not have it coming. I really just need someone to volunteer to listen and tell me I'm not as crazy or as worthless as I feel.

:_(

thanks for reading the rant....

CB (Crazy-Bear)