I've been talking to him since 8:30pm because he has decided he's not happy about me going abroad next year and au pairing in the summer. i told him this woman had offered to have me for longer than i'd wanted, but i hadn't said anything yet. he was upset he'd have less time with me. but he was calling me selfish and saying i didn't care and we should break up and swearing, no matter how i tried to work it out. eventually i flipped and told him to leave me alone and stop being mean and talk to me when he grows some balls. i told him he'd worn me down again and i probably wouldn't be going anywhere now because i feel too ****. i've just been crying on the phone to him because he said i was never there for him and his friend is dying and i should man up because a lot of people have it worse (i said i can't go back to uni yet because i'm not better and last time i was suicidal). i feel so horrible. i want to die. there's no point doing anything to better myself if i don't have him. and thinking about how other people have it worse makes me want to die more not less. i can't think straight any more because there is too much pain so i will just have to do what i can to hold on to him.