Yeah. I'm afraid of and embarrassed about how much I feel like I need him and depend on him. I guess he cares about me... But I know he means a great deal more to me than I mean to him.

I often feel like there is something broken with me too. Like no matter how much someone cares about me all their care and concern will just pour into the hole inside me and really won't go anyway at all into filling it. Like my need is insatiable. Like no matter what people offer me it will never be enough to heal me.

But sometimes there are moments. Hard for me to remember. But sometimes there are moments in therapy. Where I feel emotionally held. Even though he is across the room. He is just kinda in tune with my shame (or whatever it is that I'm feeling) and I can tell that he is kinda feeling it too (if that makes sense). And that he is doing okay with that. It isn't too much for him. He can handle it. And he is feeling it and feeling sympathy and concern for me at the same time. And then he helps me come out of it. By doing a grounding exercise or something like that.

That happened a couple weeks ago. And it was amazing. And kinda healing. And I didn't need for him to be any closer.

I try and hold that image in my mind... Especially when I start getting these little kid desires (that can never be fulfilled) like wishing he could hold me in his arms and rock me and stuff like that.

It is hard though. I hate these needy vulnerable feelings too.

Hang in there.