I understand how you feel. Sometimes I have suicidal thoughts and then upset myself for thinking that way. You are not alone. When I get suicidal thoughts I try to think of all the people I need to keep on living for, my children, my dog. It helps. Please don't give up. I am like you I can't afford therapy. My primary doctor prescribes medication. Not sure it helps. Do come back here. You can talk to me anytime. Best of wishes.