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i haven't been on here in a long time. i was in therapy for personal issues and finished two months ago. my ex therapist had me months ago to start doing volunteering to get myself back out there meeting people. i told her how "disappointed" i am with people and the mistreatment i am still enduring all because they don't like the kind of parents i have. i told her how i lost friends and they felt it was my fault when clearly it isn't.
so, after all of that, i lost friends and i only hang out with my boyfriend.i don't like talking about myself, people are too nosey for me when it comes to asking me about my family. i was severely emotionally abused by both parents and sheltered growing up. i used to be a very outgoing child back then until we moved to AZ in 96, that all changed. my communication skills went down hill, my speech was bad and still is, i became a mute only spoke when spoken to, i zone out when people talk to me i can never be in the present moment, etc. i started volunteering last march it was fun. i believe i have gotten better, but my whole speech is still bad. people say i lack confidence, i was confident when i was around my sister who is 18 yrs older than me.
2 saturdays ago, my boyfriend's neighbor invited us to her house to watch movies and have a bbq. some people bailed and we went. i always enjoyed the company in my life, but broken trust went out the door so quick. anyway, i had a hard time talking to her felt like she took over the conversation. people say i take too long to think and make a decision which is hard for me now since i finally job a job almost 2 months ago. i can't seem to be quick on my feet when making decisions. it was fun at her house and i had this inkling to check my phone. when i would go to people's houses, i never looked at my phone unless i had to leave for a certain reason.
it's like i have this inkling to want to go home when i never want to go home and hear my parents ***** and scream 24/7. when i see someone i like, i dodge them without saying hi and come back later saying hi having a conversation - yea sounds weird i know. i can't seem to look at people in the eye, it's the eyes that give me the creeps. growing up, my mom had this evil eye, i mean an evil eye (still does) every time we fought over stupid crap or crap that was important but as always never heard. fight over, she is always rolling her dang eyes - the death stare! i did it back to, no apology from her (she was always in the wrong, always says she knows everything, you can't have a conversation if you don't listen to someone), and that was a huge pain in my heart and stomach.
so, since then, any time a person looked at me i would turn away and sometimes i would look at them. at my new job, i have to give eye contact when speaking to students and employees. i would look directly pass them where it looks like i am looking at them but i am not. ex therapist said i need confidence, how? i live at home, got a new job only part time not many hours pays good, and that bad environment isn't helping me have any kind of confidence. i don't make enough to move out, but will find a way soon.
people have said i should "accept the way i am," i didn't ask to be sheltered as a kid, not allowed to have any friends, etc i am not the one who hates the world like my parents do. so, why should i "accept something that isn't true about me?" i have heard that from people who have anxiety issues and then complain when it doesn't get better for them. i don't need their negativity i need something that worked for a person who had anxiety issues, recovered, and is a much better person someone who is outgoing.
at my job, in the help desk, i have to walk up to students telling them 15 mins to closing time and i did have to kinda force myself to do it. my heart skips, being abused has caused many communication issues. i have taken two communication classes back in college and am a college graduate from 2010.i was doing deep breathing, i haven't done that after i finished with therapy. i am so glad it is over, i have spoken to a college counselor and high school counselor. it was nothing but arguing, get tired of hearing these moronic has-been mental health professionals who have unresolved issues needing to solve through their clients and their ridiculous dogma!
all they do is use what "society says you should and what you shouldn't do" against you yet they don't use any kind of their own life experience and their own brains! i would rather read a bunch of blogs by people who've had the issues and like i said gotten over it because it is based on life experience (real life) not some textbook from college or the DSM-IV and DSM-V books! i have had enough with MHPs. i was using lavender oil as an aromatherapy for anxiety but stopped using it because it's drawing out some bad dreams.
however, i have been putting myself out there speaking to people but i keep saying hmm or mmm a lot in conversations. i still hold back because i feel i can't trust them and i have lost myself don't know who i am. i am so tired of being a jumpy person, a mute, etc but i still clam up. even having this anxiety/communication issue still affects me when i was in job interviews, i changed my wording multiple times which hurt me in the interviews and confusing myself, and people look at me like i have poor speaking abilities. the fear that still is with me is the fact of how my parents NEVER wanted me to have a social life or a job (they don't know i started working), like i said they made it worse when it came time for me to learn how to do job interviews. i can't seem to be honest about where i am going because i get over a million interrogation questions which causes huge arguments, stress, and anxiety.
any suggestions? i am making changes but also i have to attend meetings at my job, anxiety jumps up and when i have to introduce myself and my position. i used to love introducing myself when i was a kid. i can feel and hear the fear in my voice choking or shaking, and i am always looking around at something that will be comfortable for me instead of just going in the conference room greeting people and sitting down at the table with confidence. i can't walk around with confidence in my parents' house as that will get destroyed real quick once it has been picked up, so if i did something good, i just keep it to myself and tell my boyfriend (who doesn't live with me) about how awesome i did at xyz.
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