First of all you are NOT a monster. You are a human being who makes mistakes and has had to deal with some really unbearable situations in her lifetime. I wish I could just hug you and help you realize how special and important you are whether you realize it or not. Second of all putting your kids up for adoption doesn't make you a terrible person it makes you a realistic person who was doing what was best for the people she loved. I often experience some irritability but I am on medications to control it and kind of mellow me out. I have had some very toxic experiences as well, but its important to realize that the things that are toxic are a result of your illness and that you can control it. Also don't be mad at yourself for being like this, would you be mad at someone who had cancer? No because that would be ridiculous. You have been through a lot and I admire that you have made it this far with some of the unbelievable circumstances that you have experienced. If you can do all this, you can really do anything. One thing my therapist told me is problems like this come and go they have waves when they're really bad and then for awhile things can get better. You just need to teach yourself to embrace the negative times and know that they'll be gone soon. I'd recommend seeing a psychiatrist of some sort to work on some of the "toxic" behaviors and keep your head up because you've done a lot so far! "The bigger the obstacle the greater the glory in over coming it."