Hi all I don't post very often but tonight I just can't deal with my demons alone anymore. I apologize in advance for dumping all my dark secrets on you, I just really need to talk. I am going to be brutally honest, it doesn't mean I'm not ashamed because the guilt is killing me, its just I cant live with all of this anymore.
Treatment is not an option for me right now due to finances and restrictions of my situation. For those that will say you need help, I know I do and it is my hope that will happen some day soon.
I have been sitting very quietly alone for the past 2 years and in this time I have started coming to terms with my behavior and events of the past 10 years. Its like I am sitting watching my past as a movie, and sometimes I feel like I am experiencing these things for the first time...like I know they happened before, but emotionally its like I am just now processing it.
Maybe its called growing up who knows.
I'm having a really hard time. I am eaten alive with the realization of things Ive done and am doing. I have come to the conclusion I must be a real true psycho. Not the killer kind but just an old fashioned POS. Like I am the toxic type of person that people write articles and make tv shows warning you to stay away and get rid of.
Here is why....
I irresponsibly gave birth to three babies one after the other in three years. From ages 18 to 21 I was pregnant most of the time. The first two babies I gave for adoption, I wanted them to have the best life possible and not suffer like I did growing up. But my third baby I just couldn't let go anymore. SO I selfishly brought her home to an unstable mother and an addict father and what happened after that is something unforgivable. The single most traumatizing experience of my life and I have responsibility in it. First she was in a home with a depressed emotionally unstable mother that tried to commit suicide and was screaming and crying all the time, with a father that was drunk and high and moody all the time. But the worst is that I caught her father hurting her and I didnt take her and run away. I didnt tell anyone, I hid it. It was the most confusing and shocking times for me. I couldnt understand it. He always loved her so much showering her with attention and always helping me to care for her, he called all the time when he was out to check on her and she was the first thing he wanted to see when he got home. And it wasnt like he was openly abusing her like hitting or something of that sort, he would kiss her lips and cheeks too hard and leave scratches and bruises. It was very hard to accept and to understand and to deal with, but I didnt deal with it the right way, I see that now. I did yell and scream at him, I kicked him out too...but then I let him right back with the promise he would stay sober and go to rehab asap. I thought maybe he was high or drunk and doing it by accident and I thought I can get everyone help and save our family. I wanted that more than anything. But what happened next showed me...eventually..how wrong I was...and it worked out for the best of my daughter. My husband ended up punching me and trying to break a chair over me. I called someone and asked what I should do and they said if you dont call the police your daughter will be taken away. SO I called the police. My husband was arrested that night and the next morning CPS came and took my daughter. I didnt understand why they took her at the time, but I do now. I knew I loved her and had never hurt her so I didnt think it was right. But eventually I understood how I was endangering her. I knew she was better off without me so she was also adopted by the same family as my first two children. This.. my children.. and especially my daughter...I cant forgive myself for....and maybe I shouldnt, maybe if you do something that bad it is just something you have to live with for the rest of your life. But I don't know how to, its killing me.
If that already wasnt enough to make me a bad psycho toxic person....there is more.
Ive had dozens and dozens of jobs but I haven't been able to stay at a job since I graduated high school, I am 29 now. Which means I am a parasite living off of my husbands. Ive had three, though the first one I dont count since he tricked me into the marriage to get a green card at 18 and that only lasted 2 months.
I dropped out of college like 4 times.
Up until recently, I have cheated in every relationship Ive ever had mostly emotional cheating but there were a few physical times as well. And the worst part about that is, that I felt like I wasnt really wrong to do it because I was with emotionally unavailable and abusive men..and my needs werent getting met. who knows who really is the abusive one anymore...its probably me, I probably drove them all to insanity. WOuldnt shock me if that is the reality. Man eater song was probably written for me.
And it gets worse. In the past 3 years I have started having really bad rage issues. Like a toddler throwing a temper tantrum I will yell scream bite hit scratch. I don't know what happened to me because I was never like this. I never thought I was capable of this. No one in my family or friends would have ever guessed I could do this.....but just like the theme of my life since 18 it seems I am capable of all sorts of monstrous behaviors. Including now being abusive myself.
So my question to you all is have any of you had these types of experiences ? How did you cope with it ? Is self forgiveness possible ?
Is it possible that I truly am a toxic psycho monster and I should do everyone the favor of staying away ?
Thanks and sorry again. I realize its a lot.