Quote:
Originally Posted by isntlifewonderful
I don't know what I am. I put on so many different masks. I can act outgoing and fun, or quiet and shy without even thinking about it. I become this kind, loving and social person some days. I laugh and make sure everyone feels safe. The next day I'm avoiding all social situations, staring at the floor and constantly pinching myself to keep in touch with reality. I don't feel like neither of those sides are ME. I don't care about the people I'm being nice to, I feel nothing for them.
I'm being so mean and manipulative towards the people I love. I don't mean to be, it just happens, I feel awful afterwards.
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I get that. Going from one way - being nice and loving so much one moment and then later, just not caring about anyone at all and being numb, or even lashing out at those you love the most and hurting them, then feeling awful and like you want to die after.
Quote:
Originally Posted by isntlifewonderful
I feel bad about that. Like I'm not in a bad enough state, and the things that happened to me weren't traumatizing enough to put me in that category. I mean, I'm traumatized, but not enough for PTSD.
I hate being a horrible person, and how I always act like a martyr. I just want a normal life, normal emotions. I just want to be held and loved.
Help me 
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I could have written that except I haven't been diagnosed with PTSD and haven't really had anything traumatic happen to me that is cause for any of the way that I am. On the one hand, it would be great if there were a reason for the way I am, but on the other, I'd probably just use it as an excuse. I already use depression as an excuse, and feel guilty as #*!$ for feeling "depressed" because I have no good reason to be.
I wish there were something i could do to help you, all I got is letting you know I feel this way too, so you're not alone. I get feeling like a martyr, or a victim, or a horrible person. It's all really painful and I don't know if people who haven't experienced something like it will ever know or understand. I don't know why I would choose to be this way and choose to be in so much pain.
__________________
"When it's good, it's so good,
when it's gone, it's gone."
-Ben Harper
DX: Bipolar Disorder, MDD-recurrent. Issues w/addiction, alcohol abuse, anxiety, PTSD, & self esteem. Bulimia & self-harm in remission