Thank you. And I'm not offended! It's fine, not so much my intention, but a part of it.
"You have a purpose in this life! I think deep down you know it!" You're right... somewhere I know God has a plan for me, though I tend to think I'm more likely to ruin it than reach it. Even with suicide thoughts I sometimes wonder, even think it's probable, that God would intervene if I tried it. I mean, I don't think He'd continue to intervene if I repeatedly forced the issue and turned my back on Him... but I have this suspicion He wouldn't let me succeed if I had tried it in that blind depression a month ago or impulsively from being overwhelmed. I sometimes even think I see a glimpse of His plan, of what all this may be for, of what He's trying to do in me. But it's still so hazy, and seems like an illusion so often.

Had I looked at what I'm writing now Tuesday night I'd have pushed it all aside as something lost and hopeless, and I know that time will come again, it'd surprise me if not tomorrow. I guess stuff's coming up fresh and painful again, realizing more of what's happened and how it's affected me, and that seems like an impossible barrier between me and the world. I have no idea how I could change as much inside as it would take, this is my personality, so much of who I am. And I continue to doubt I could ever reach God's purpose - heh, that would be hoping which, yeah, I can't let myself do. When I've hoped for things I've been disappointed, not hoping is much easier and leaves me nothing to beat myself up over.

I really don't care about college... the only reason I'm going is to get out of my house, that and I'd have to start paying my loans if I don't. Preparing for that goes with my feeling that I wouldn't succeed in suicide, so I need a plan in that case. It's not hope... it's dread, college work is even more stress and requires too much brainpower. Besides all the new people and again trying to be at least a tolerable roommate - which was a miserable experience for all involved before.
I don't think I'm hoping for anything... but I'd rather not admit it to myself if I am, then I'd just have to beat myself up over hoping for it when I see it not happen. :-| I know, I'm way too much of a pessimist... but that's how it turns out, really.

Never heard from my T today, don't think she got/read my email, but I'm not concerned about it now. I'm not nearly so suicidal. And I'll just have to call someone if(when) that changes.

<font color=green>____________________________
Matthew 11:28
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.</font color=green> Sounds good...