Bad few days, my gf of 9 years left me. On friday we were out drinking and had an arguement. Something she said flipped a switch in my head and the voices began to roll. I left her there by herself and walked off with the intention of comitting suicide, in a moment of level headedness I called the emergency services and told them if I stayed out here with the voices I wouldn't make it home. So, cops arrived and took me home and stayed with me until they had spoken with the CPN. I have not seen gf Friday the incident (which is fitting because if something happened to her I wouldn't have seen her again) she has spoken to me through text and wants time to think about things. I told her I understand and she takes the time she needs. We have a lot of problems because of my condition all of which I want to work on but need her help and told her there are many things she would have to fix too.
and now every time I think of her I am overwhelmed with guilt for leaving her behind (she was in a taxi and home safe within 15 min) the stress has made me cut myself something awful. I want to fix all this but feel that she deserves a better life than one with me, I just miss her so bad and the fact that it is 100% my fault makes it so much worse. I'm worried if I explain the cutting to pdoc I will be hospitalized. If that happens I will never get her back. I'm supposed to by starting AP's and get my diagnosis this week. She wants to know how that goes and if I can start living normally again. I'm really concerned that her mind is made up and there is no fixing it due to my screwing up and there's not enough drink/weed/meds/cigarettes/blows to the head/cuts to the chest that can ease this stress. My next appointment with pdoc is Wednesday, should I wait or phone her now?