When people tell me how much I should appreciate my mother, I offer to trade. They shut up real fast.

Here are more good tools to carry in the box, if you want to keep your target second-guessing (usually her but can be him)self. From now on, I'll say "her" instead of "him or her," just to save syllables.

Always debate whatever she says. When she voices an opinion, never mind the hundred people who agree with her and tell her she's absolutely right. Nothing is absolute. A case can always be made for the other side. Therefore, you should be the one to jump in quickly with, "On the other hand...." Eventually this will lead to frustration. Your target, if she still has the nerve, will ask, "Can't I ever say anything without you arguing with it or challenging it? Am I never right in your eyes?" That's when you play your trump card. "Well! Excuse ME for having an opinion!" Put on as big a show of hurt feelings as you can display. You want any onlookers to know, she's the one shutting you down and not allowing you to speak your mind, not the other way around.

If she tells you about someone else being rude or abusive to her, immediately defend the other person. It doesn't matter whether the other person was in the right, borderline, or flat-out wrong. Your goal is to frustrate your target, and make her doubt her own perception of what happened. Handy phrases to use include:

---I'm sure she didn't mean it like that.
---You're pretty sensitive. Maybe you just took it wrong.
---I guess he's having a bad day.
---Well, she has problems.
---He must be under a lot of stress.
---She can't help it.
---He's doing the best he can.

You may then end up challenged with, "Whose side are you on?" In this case, you assure your target, "I am always on your side. I'm just trying to get you to be able see another point of view." Your target will then come to the conclusion that she is rigid and narrow-minded, incapable of understanding anything unless you in your wisdom point it out for her. She may even begin to believe she is stupid and socially inept. This is exactly what you want her to think, all the while telling her, "I only want what's best for you."

Don't worry if what the other person did appears to be absolutely indefensible. You can still find a way to blame it on your target. Simply tell her, "You must give off some kind of signal that tells people it's OK to talk to you that way. I doubt she would have said that to me. Remember, we teach people how to treat us." This way, you're still creating the impression it's the target's fault, even when it isn't.

Has your target been the victim of a crime? Now is not the time to be sympathetic. Be sure to grill your target about what she did to provoke the other person, and/or what she could have done to prevent it. Was she in the wrong place with the wrong people at the wrong time of day? Did she carelessly walk away and leave her purse unattended? If it was unwanted sexual advances, was she dressed inappropriately? Did she smile too much, or do anything else that might have given him the wrong idea? If her therapist or anyone else tells her she is not to blame, and she questions what you said in favor of what they said, answer, "They're telling you what you WANT to hear. I'm telling you what you NEED to hear." Above all, you must not forget, nor let your target forget, anything bad that happens is ALWAYS her fault.