i do agree about the negative environment part as my ex therapist said 'you can change in a negative environment.' which is dumb, never heard such a thing. every person who has been abused in any way has said they had to leave their environment(s) to make changes and she said that is a bull crap! i went to a survivor's of abuse workshop at the women's center and all of them said they changed once their environment changes. i saw a doctor on tv, dr. amen, said you can't change if you are still in a negative environment. my ex therapist said i am an adult who can walk freely in this environment which i had to laugh asking when have i ever walked freely? when someone interrogates you 24/7 over something that is ridiculous as going outside to eat some fruit, how is that walking freely? why am i being questioned over why i am going outside to eat fruit? she couldn't explain that!

i have been practicing a lot and still am not up to par. this whole anxiety/communication issue still affects me for the real world. hmm, may be i should google what actors do when they are practicing for their parts. i was told to take an acting class, mmm, i don't think i am adept to it. i have been in plays when i was a kid and had no issues back then. when i am unsure of what to say i just say hmm or mmm like i am lost and don't know how to respond.

my ex therapist said doing this practice will help and told her in one particular session that it is also putting me in embarrassing situations like wrong wording comes out of my mouth or my nonverbal communication comes off as something else to people. like i said, when i am working in the help desk, i have to give eye contact when helping students. a weekend job? i don't know i have been thinking what else can i do for extra money in between of getting paid bi weekly.

i mean, when you look at other people, they already know what to say and how to say it. i used to be like that and now i make little scenarios in my head on what to say and how to say it making sure it sounds perfect and it never comes out perfect.