Ok. I am going to calmly type this entry. I just typed the longest response only to have it disappear. I have no idea what happened. It was like a weird hand spasm. I just randomly clicked something on my laptop and the whole thing was gone. Again. Anyway, I have nothing better to do than lay in bed and type the whole thing over again because I am home from work today, sick with a crappy head cold.

Well, I never actually told T I wanted to see him more than once per week. I said, "Sometimes I feel like once per week isn't enough." I guess there is a difference there. I mean, he definitely wasn't whipping out his datebook to find available spots for me, but I didn't exactly request to come more than once per week. I had just made a general statement, and he was moe concerned with talking about that. Basically what happened after I said that was that I went into one of my idiotic, nervous, rambling tirades. I think I was making efforts to cover up any of those possible therapeutic silences that might creep up because I was certainly not prepared to deal with them at the moment. I just started going on about how I hated attachment and this was all too much to deal with. T never pushes me to say anything. I will talk about things when I'm ready; they just come out, and he knows that. He basically just wanted me to elaborate on what I had said. But I wasn't really ready to do that (at least not in English) because it was hard enough for me to even get to the point I was at. So I just rambled on and then said "Wanna hear my dream?" and went on about that because I couldn't deal with talking about the previous matter. In fact, I had said to him, "After I tell you what I'm trying to say, I am going to jump out your window." And he replied, "Three floors is a big drop." I said, "I can make it."

Ok. Here is the pathetic part (as if the first part of my story wasn't pathetic already). I didn't want to have to admit this one, but here it goes: I can't even fit it in my schedule to see T more than once per week. And I am upset with him because he didn't suggest it. All I am is a manipulative little you-know-what, who wants my T to suggest that I come twice per week, when I can't even do it. I was expecting him to whip out a formal invitation that said: "Your presence is requested at therapy more than once per week." lol, but he didn't, and I got mad. I actually had to call T yesterday because I was registering for my classes next semester and I can no longer comes on Tuesdays. So he said the only other day he has open at 5 PM is Fridays. Fine, so that confirms it even more-- There is no way I could come more than once per week. Starting in May, I have my internship two days per week, my regular job three days per week, therapy one night, and classes two other nights. And he knows that. And I know that (of course). So what's wrong with me!? Why am I mad at him?! But I recognize my pattern. And this is one of those moments when I have to say: how very borderline of me, lol. I exhibited the same thing with my husband today. I left him a message on his voicemail at work. I said, "I just wanted to let you know I stayed home from work today since I'm not feeling well. I know you're really busy, so don't bother calling me back until lunch." So he didn't call me back. I told him not to. Am I upset? Of course. Sigh. But I think I have moved forward a little bit because in the past I would have taken it out on him when he did call. Now I recognize this as my pattern and I will not take it out on him. I will transfer it to my T instead, lol. Wait-- did I just give an example that therapy is working? That I am able to recognize something that I have done in my relationship for years and can now modifty my behavior so that I don't act that way? Wow. I just wish I didn't have to feel that way anymore. But I'm not up to that yet.

Wow. It felt good to write all of that. Sorry it was so long. Sometimes I wish I could act like someone who is going to turn 26 in less than two months. Just for a second. Even if I'm just pretending.