You're not crazy. And you haven't been diagnosed with anything yet.

Even if you do turn out to have a mental illness, it doesn't make you a jerk, a loser, or an @$$. It only means that you have a brain disorder which can be treated. I know the idea of taking medication can be pretty intimidating, but there are some here who don't take meds, as well as those who use alternative treatments and/or therapy. Me, I take meds because I would be dead if I didn't.

Please talk to your primary care provider/family doctor to see about getting a referral to a mental health professional who can help you. In the meantime, hang in there and try to go easier on yourself.....NONE of this is because of anything you've done or not done, it's a sickness that just happens to have its origins in the brain. Many to you.