I've wanted to die so long, because of my mom's narcassistic abuse, my forced codependency from my mom who is controlling. My sister who doesn't give a damn bout me, and I'm addicted to being in denial I will die from this abuse from me doing something stupid at a party or my body medically. Since now I'm stuck trying to cope, I can't cope, I can't ever cope, I don't know who I am my mom has broken me so badly and especially my friends, I'm not a human anymore. I don't feel like a person and my feelings don't mean ****. I'm on the verge of just cutting everyone out and just walk away somewhere anywhere just not be here. I can't be myself, I don't need these people. Everytime I can't get an opportunity, because my mom shuts it down. I want to die, and I don't want a mom who wants to feel perfect and addicted to being perfect, but not realizing. She is losing it all, she is addicted to spending her money away on silly things when we can't afford to eat anymore. I can't be with my friends, this only benefits my mom and I'm miserable and I want to die, because I'm in prison with a broken mind, body, and support. I can't call the cops, I couldn't when I was little my mom sweet talked them out. I couldn't prove how much this has affected me, so my feelings don't seem real. Maybe this is my denial, but I don't all I know I will die if I stay in this house too long, being confided so isolation. Want to know why prison inmates go crazy, because they are stuck in the box for a very long time. That's how I feel for over a decade of this, all the outside interaction has only amounted less than a third of my life all together. Now I've gotten closer to the walls that keep on talking to me. I don't have relationships. They are fantasies of things that won't happen even when I worked for it. Everything I work for goes to my parents, I can't leave here. I just want to walk out the door unprepared and not carry a phone or anything just walk far far away. Work somewhere remote and not talk to anyone from where I lived, because this abuse has been too much. I don't feel loved, I'm beaten down a lot all the time being told
"don't cry you don't deserve to cry, you're making me mad, because you should appreciate this or that. I can't be with you all the time, I don't love you. I got a new life a new friend, I got a new bf you only cared bout yourself. You are nothing but a liar a piece of ****, you're weird no one likes you."
I'm ****ing 20 I've dealt with this for all my life, there is no God, I have no faith into anything will change despite my desperate cries and failed efforts.
I didn't choose this, I'm trying to get out and being told you got this or that. No I don't, because I choose to starve so I can eat another day just not today. I go without sleep and deprive myself so I can sleep long enough to pass the time further so I can die faster. I got in abusive relationships to keep my mind afloat and just realize I'm not real. This world this life my body my existence isn't real. I suffer from schizoaffective disorder, I have no sense of reality ever, and on top of that people abuse me and treat me like I'm stupid or ignorant and never consider what I say. I aspired to do better, but can't because I'm bounded by these idiots who expect me to work hard when even when I'm doing that at the moment, I can't get anything done. I never got help I know I'm marked to die, and there is no God. I don't love myself only till I can get out of here. I can finally breathe. I never had that ever.
All I want is to be free, I'm a slave financially, emotionally, and medically to this crap. I can't even post on here without feeling like the honesty isn't going to help, because no one can help me this world isn't good enough for me to get any help never has. I only dream to be in a life where I can appreciate what I have that I've worked for, and not being taken away and I get laughed at and beaten up for trying. Life sucks I get the drill quit being so hard and negative in reminding me that. Give me a break!