You are not a monster, love. You made some very unselfish decisions when you gave your babies away and I think that's amazing. I probably couldn't do that. My mother yelled at my father for being abusive towards me as a kid, but never left him. My mother is a wonderful person, but leaving someone you love who can actually be nice at times is a very hard thing to do. If you were in abusive relationships, searching for love in other places is pretty natural. I'm not saying cheating is right but it's understandable.
I think your anger issues may be there because you're around the wrong sort of people. Not sure though. Do NEVER accept abuse in any form. I've got anger issues too and they always make me feel like an awful person. It sucks. I know. I hope you'll be able to get proffesional help soon, dear. Sorry I can't help much, but I just had to tell you that you're not a monster and that I'm proud of you.

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