You won't get them to listen to or respect you, they will follow Dad's example. I am so sorry you have to go through this. I can identify with you completely (although your situation has gone on further and sounds much worse) and know how you feel. My husband did the same and still does, but to a lesser extent. Your husband is in my opionion, borderline emotionally abusive to you (I hope this doesn't offend you).

I was lucky in a sense, because when this started the kids were younger and my husband actually left me to date another woman. Well, a month later he wanted back so I made him attend couples counseling, which he agreed to. The therapist was wonderful and called my husband out on his behavior. He told him some of what he'd done is "the worst thing a parent can do". Another helpful thing we have is an in home behavioral specialist for my daughter (she has Asperger's). This person has sat with both of us to explain to my husband that this pattern is destructive to the kids and to me (but stresses the kids).

These are the things, other than you leaving, that will help the most. If you can convince him to try couples counseling, then I think it could be hugely helpful. Even better if you can find a male counselor. If he's anything like mine, hearing the same thing from a man will make more of an impact.

I am really sorry you're experiencing this and hope you find help somehow. If not, the consequences for the kids (and for you) will be terrible.