Hi everybody,
This is my first time posting anything online, I am really sorry if I unwittingly break any rules, but I'd really appreciate any opinions/thoughts anybody may have. Here we go...

I'm 21, female, and have spent much of my life feeling decidedly empty. From the time I was 14, I enjoyed having friends and always had many "cycles" of different friends. The common denominator in all of this is me however. They are all still friends with each other but I am not friends with any of them.
I tend to get bored of people/situations easily, everything has "novelty" value that wears off rapidly and I move on to the next thing/person quickly. I went through lots of phases always, periods of time with new ideas and plans, most of which I would not follow through on, some of which I did (with underwhelming results).

If I feel like a friend for whatever reason resents me/doesn't like me as much as other friends, I get deeply offended and move on. I was always quite non-confrontational. Since I was 16, on and off I have been heavily into drugs for periods of time, and then drug-free (except for perhaps cannabis) for long periods of time (mostly because of parental control), then I delve back into the world of drugs, always excited to try new things. If I'm not using drugs, there will be times when I will abuse alcohol, or even caffeinated drinks just to feel "something".

I am generally considered to be an outgoing/energetic kind of person, I work in a public facility ( I don't want to give too much away, in case of identification) when I'm not studying (I try to study anyway). People I meet in the work generally consider me to be fun-loving and friendly, although I do not bother to pursue any of the relationships I create with people that come in. There are short periods of time where I feel quite depressed. I tend to eat a lot during these times, often eating until I'm so full I feel sick, and as soon as that wears off slightly I'll eat more and bring myself back to that point. Having said that I am like a hawk with watching my weight, and I get extremely depressed at the sight of even an extra pound on (it happens often.) My self-esteem is usually extremely high, but is very easily diminished (although it usually bounces back fairly quickly).

I find that my life feels like a rollercoaster - but a boring rollercoaster that I'm tired of being on. I failed university dramatically the first year due to excessive drug use/not attending college, and took a year off in which I fled the family household (despite their protests) with no money/real plan but plenty of ideas, moved to a different area for about a month or two (I honestly can't remember), and suffered at the hands of my impulsivity. I returned home depressed, worked, and was accepted to attend uni again the next semester. Life seemed like it was on the up (slightly). Although I still felt unsure about everything, even concerning my choice of career ( I still chose the same subject nonetheless) - I knew I didn't want to work in a public service for the rest of my life, as I felt somehow superior to the customers, and didn't like the idea of directly serving others as a career. That summer, I made lots of friends/relationships, none that felt satisfying however.

As soon as I moved back up to college, the problems started again. This time, I felt like an outcast in the class - I felt that nobody liked me/I didn't identify with anyone, and I feigned a friendship with a few girls just to have someone to hang around with, I didn't like them/find them fun to be with at all however. I met a guy from the class that I clicked with somewhat (mainly because of all substance abuse issues), and proceeded to head down the same path as I had before.

However this time, I left out the stimulant abuse for the most part, and cut down dramatically on my smoking after a while, but still felt *empty*. Sometimes I would feel full of beans and ready to go on an adventure/do wild things/make crazy unrealistic plans, and sometimes I felt depressed, and I would cry for no real reason. I would think about suicide everyday no matter how I felt, not about actually committing it, but more about not being here any more/not feeling this way. I self-harmed a couple of times again when I was feeling particularly under-pressure/anxious/frustrated/energetic (mostly simultaneously).

Over the past couple of years, I have been developing a temper. I was always very quiet and non-confrontational (as I previously stated), but now I find I am EXTREMELY moody, I can be very happy but switch to rage in a split second, being extremely irritable yet the life of the party (so to speak, I don't attend many parties these days, mostly by choice) . Anything is liable to set me off, from a breeze blowing through an open window in the library, to my classmate who is currently one of my only friends. I find that the more I hang out with him, the more annoying he becomes to me, and more often than not he sets me off without being aware of it. I find in these happy times I am indeed hypersexual, fantasizing about sex and I will basically try to initiate it with whoever is most convenient, and usually in a risky manner (I'm sorry if this offends anyone, I am being as honest as possible).

Then my mood will drop a bit, I won't want sex any more, I will become tired and even more sensitive than usual, and not even listening to music interests me, I will sit on the bus in silence as opposed to commit to listening to a song. I will lose the temper for the most part during this time, simply not having the energy. I always had plenty of hobbies/was an over-achiever in general, and since I attended university/some of my secondary school years, the under-achievements just kept rolling in. I hoped that there was indeed something wrong with me that could be fixed, so I attended a GP and a psychiatrist, who both thought I had "bipolar" symptoms, and I was put on a mood stabilizer.

However, the whole point of this, is that I am afraid that subconsciously/consciously even, I may have influenced the answers I gave when I visited the psychiatrist. I was already aware of the symptoms of bipolar, and feel like I identified the most with this disorder, if I was to pick one. However, I don't generally experience sleep issues at any time, I find that sometimes I won't need as much sleep as I think I will, and will function normally on 5-6 hours of sleep.
Alternatively, sometimes (usually when I'm not too happy) I won't be able to wake up despite a very long sleep, around 10 hours on a daily basis. I don't experience racing thoughts, but more like an inability to concentrate (kind of a brain fog when I don't feel too good) and sometimes I am easily distractable, especially when I have a bit of energy under my belt. Apart from those things (which I understand are key), I do appear to experience many of the symptoms of typical bipolar disorders, although I found it hard to recall how long the periods of different moods lasted for when I was questioned about them, as my memory seems to get worse as time goes on.
My moods I admit can be quite erratic even throughout the span of a day, sometimes I'm looking for something new/exciting to do (generally nothing constructive), and sometimes I hate life/everything in it and wish I would not wake up.
Recently, I went through a period for a couple of weeks where I did a monster amount of work for college, for about 10 hours a day, and would leave college feeling positively high, noticing myself blabbering at 100 mph with my friend barely able to get a word in. Then as suddenly as that blast of productivity came, it stopped, and I was feeling down/tearful and completely unable to concentrate/do work (prompting my visit to the doctor.) I was referred to a psychiatrist who diagnosed me as having bipolar disorder, which I previously thought I might have, though I'm also filled with doubt, thinking that perhaps it's a figment of my imagination and I just wanted something to be fixable/ wanted people to care.

I love being the centre of attention, and possibly due to my progressive lack of close friendships as time goes on, and I feel like I want to believe there is something wrong with me that can be fixed, because I don't like who I've become. Almost friendless, starting to feel out of touch with others and generally "weird" (how I describe my feelings a lot of the time).

I don't want to feel like I have a "defective" personality type or that I'm doomed to fail due to my own inability to manage myself. I always depended on my parents to push me and in times of freedom I went off the rails, completely unable to adjust to responsibility. I was always a happy kid and as time went on things just became one huge disaster after another, alternating with periods of mild progress. I have no self-control when it comes to most things, and am able to throw caution to the wind in times of good humour.

I'm sorry about the short novel I just wrote guys, but I'm feeling particularly conflicted/concerned and I guess I would really appreciate some opinions or even questions on the matter.

Thanks so much.