I can relate. The difference is that I've had help in the past and its made me realize that some of the thoughts im having are not really there. Or the anger and remorse i feel against myself and others are stemmed from the voice that "controls all" because it doesnt. And it wont if you take control.... NOT THAT EASY. My family would bring up my issues at the dinner table in front of young siblings and mock and question the depression, anxiety, poor socializing skills, muttering to myself. And hiding it is great... for awhile. It feels almost heart warming to have this piece of you and its scary to let go, because you feel as though its a piece of YOU. which tecnically it is but not holistically. (I mean im not making these assumptions about you so take this with a grain of salt. This is just my personal experience.) I'm very good at hiding. Im good at being angry and keeping a smile on my face. Thinking homicidal thoughts and moving on from them. Thoughts are okay but when they interfere with your daily life it may be time to go seek help. I feel as though there are many many intelligent succesful people out there struggling with mental health illness and never reaching out due to pride,judgement, and stigmatization. I can relate cuz I've been there. Not exactly where your at but slightly similar. What i would reccomend is calling someone maybe even a support line

this is a scitzophrenic hotline they can help you when your going through a tough time ect. (im not diagnosing you lol)
1800985944 its monday through friday

Im assuming this may help... Only because you dont have to meet them in person and maybe you could get into more depth with them so they could tell you how severe the battle is within yourself. Hopefully you gain insight eventually and see that your worth it. And i dont know you from a whole in the wall but it sounds like you have alot going for you, and im sure you wouldnt want to lose that. Good luck thank you for taking time to read