Hi guys. I typed all this up to "Ask" the professionals but it will not let me submit for some reason so I am posting here in hopes that someone will at least skim this and give me some direction.

I am very sure my mother has Borderline Personality Disorder*. Fortunately, her anger was never directed at her children and I never noticed it (except I remember she turned my sister and I against our dad) until our father had enough and divorced her when I was ~12. Then her anger and rage was focused on my sister and I. Finally, a couple years ago, my mom was diagnosed with hypothyroidism and after she started taking medication she became “normal” for the first time in ages. It was a huge relief. I was happy to have a family again and a year ago I moved home (I am now 23).

*Note on my mom. Though she was easy to set off, and I never noticed any pattern to what caused her to rage (she also definitely had attachment issues in line with BPD), she is not a risk taker or promiscuous. She drives slower than my grandma. Though there was one time I came home unexpectedly and found her drinking. That was really odd and bothered me. She was always been against alcohol, except 1 glass of wine on very rare occasion.

When I was about 20 I sort of “woke up” and realized that my life sucked. For years I had no hobbies and struggled to do homework (I still got good grades because I am pretty smart). Then I discovered and started battling my porn addiction (if you believe in that sort of thing) and after a couple years of no progress I finally started having some success and it also significantly relieved my depression and frequent thoughts of suicide. Over the next couple years I made even further strides to feeling better. Then about a month ago, a girl I really like, who I haven’t seen in a whole year reentered my life. And that did it. Complete mental relapse. I have never been able to make a move with a girl, I always get such bad anxiety thinking they’ll push me away and tell me “no” that I freeze. Even when I know she wants me to kiss her or put my arm around her or something. The only girls I have kissed were girls who kissed me. And still I was anxious.

After that, I first had really really bad anxiety that she wasn’t going to like me anymore. Then I had anxiety about other arbitrary things. Then I started alternating between anxiety and being depressed. My other symptoms have come back full bore also. Let me describe my day as it explains the weird moods/symptoms I have.

This morning I went to work at my office job and after a while started ruminating about how I hated my stupid coworkers and was doing more internet research to figure out what is wrong with me. I also could not focus on my work much. Then I went to the post office to mail a package and had a friendly chat with the teller. I immediately felt better. Then I went back to work and started feeling crappy again. After work I went to class and talked with the people I sit next to about our group project. Again I felt better and thought “wow I wasn’t thinking clearly earlier, there’s nothing wrong with me”. After class I was feeling good so I put on some exciting music in the car. Quickly I started to feel “too good” where I start to space out or disassociate. Now I am feeling ok, and don’t really “feel” like I have these issues, even though I know I do. Maybe I’ll read this tonight or tomorrow or next week and think “what was I thinking, those aren’t my issues, my issues are actually this…” I tend to change what I think often.

The past couple years I have been able to identify what causes problems like this and lessen them. Occasionally I would still miss that I was getting “too excited” and then reach critical mass and get road rage, or I purchase things I otherwise wouldn’t but for the most part I have had a good year. But now ever since I saw that girl these symptoms are back and I swing from mood to mood. I have also lost all interest in hobbies and while I don’t really want to be alone (being at home is the same as being alone as I have shut down on my family) but I don’t want to go out where there are other people.

Other symptoms:
I have had OCD since I was 13. If I am texting a girl I like and she takes longer than average to respond I immediately think “I said something stupid. She doesn’t like me anymore.” Even though I know that’s kind of ridiculous. I also sometimes experience this with friends I don’t text often, but it’s not nearly as bad. Also, ever since my symptoms have come back I have also lost all interest in things. I’m not interested in my card collection I was working on, I can’t get myself to do homework (sorry groupmates). I just sit on the couch and watch tv. Overall, I feel like I was a gifted child who was going places but then my mom went crazy and not I’m just a broken disappointment. I only had 1 gf and it was right after high school and a couple years later I noticed that I was the one with the problems and I did not treat her well. I also did the push pull thing where I wanted to be close to her but then I would freak out and push her away again. I talked to a therapist for a while in the past and I felt like he didn’t take my issues serious enough. Mainly because when I talked with him these thoughts were not as strong (as they never are when I am with others) and sometimes I would downplay them because I didn’t truly believe in them in the moment.
The thing that drives me crazy (well actually it all does) is that while I type this up I don’t really “feel” like it is real. I feel mostly fine and am just typing this from memory. But I know that tonight or tomorrow it will feel very real again. Tonight before bed I might have a panic attack over something unrelated. There have been a couple times over the years where I typed up something like this to ask online but I never posted because after I started typing I felt stupid. Another thing is that my friends do not know this about me. They think I am funny and a cool person. So, in conclusion, I don’t know what is wrong. I cannot even keep all my symptoms straight. Any help is appreciated.