I haven't posted in ages but the last month has been one of healing and actual happiness for the first time in probably 7 years.

You may (or not) remember that my mom died in January. I hit rock bottom and thought I wasn't going to make it but I did. I had a scheduled appointment with my Pdoc at the beginning of March. At that time he decided to totally take me off the clonazepam and switch me to xanax (the long lasting type). It was no problem at all to switch. Not one bad reaction or symptom or anything. I could hardly believe it.

A few days after this appointment I met with my new therapist and she is so wonderful. When I left her office I felt like a switch had been flipped in my head and I finally felt like I will concur this beast that has held me captive all of these years. Co-workers had even noticed the change in me saying that I actually looked happy. Wow...that really boosted me. Then to add to the surprises I was given the biggest award you can get (dollar wise) where I work. Nobody else in my department was given that much. To finally be recognized for all of the hard work that I do made me giddy that day.

The only down side was my knee. I have had problems with it since I was 15 and broke the top of my tibia. Now I have arthritis so bad that when I went to see the ortho-doc he told me I need a knee replacement but he won't do the surgery until I lose weight. That put me in a sour mood for the rest of the day because I knew we were talking more than a year. I am a very big lady and losing the weight with the meds I was on would have been impossible. Now that has changed so the weight is slowly coming off. So far I have lost about 9 pounds. Not much in the grand scheme of things but it is a start.

While not a complete success story I truly do feel that I am on my way to recovery. I still get sad once in a while but I not like before. Happy days are ahead!!!!