I mean I played with fire by goig off my medication and now I guess I've been burned. It's day 8 of depression, which I know doesn't sound like a lot but it's getting me in trouble.

Last week I posted that I felt compartmentalized and that my brain was torturing me and trying to get me to hurt myself. Well it's I've that because now I'm typically depressed. I'm sleeping all the time (asleep by 8:30 last night until 6:10am). I even fell asleep while watching my son which isn't so good except my husband was at least in the house.

But what I don't understand is I still feel like my husband is trying to use medication to control me and mold me into a perfect stepford wife. And now that is starting to extend to other people. Like my mom just wants me to act normal and my coworkers just want me to be a better person because I'm so horrible. They don't even know anything about this or that I take a med. but I'm suspicious. I think they are talking about how awful I am when I'm not around.

I learned today that a lot if the students hate me. Even ones I was cool with before . Not that it matters what a bunch of high schoolers hunk but they are real a**holes when they don't like you and I honestly had to remove myself today before I said something I regretted. I guess they can just see the. Terrible core I have which I thought I could hide but no.

I read on here once that paranoia is not really clinical paranoia until it interferes with your life. I don't think anything is going wrong except that my relationship with my husband is deteriorating. I am so angry with him for controlling me. I think if I take the med I am giving in to his vision and abandoning the true self he could never love. But that's not irrational. That's just how I feel. And I can't share with him because he just won't gt it. This morning we fought because "I can't do this to him again" and "did you even care what you did to your family last year". Right I had a GREAT time being suicidal and thinking something was inserting thoughts in my brain. Now he's apologized for that but still.

You see why I think he's trying to control me? He wants a perfect cupcake for a wife. But he won't divorce me. Which is good except I don't know which me he wants to stay married to. I don't trust him.

Ugh is any of this rational? Or does it sound completely off the wall? I need feedback because I'm afraid to share these thoughts with anyone. Nobody at work knows of my dx so I don't want to accidentally reveal that I'm on medication. I don't have any friends. I don't trust my family right now, they're going to say TAKE YOUR MEDS because that's what they want so they can be rid of the true me...that's what it feels like. And I can't see my therapist until next Tuesday.

For the record I have been taking the proper dose (1500mg not 900mg) of trileptal for the last two weeks. I can't bring myself to take the Seroquel because I am practically drunk I'm so tired the next morning. Though if the depression does not improve by next week (fitting in with my usual two week cycles) I'll try it since I have spring break.

I'm sorry if this is super repetitive. I know I posted something similar last week but that was more I was mad at society and now I specifically think my husband is controlling me. But yeah. I'm sorry.

Ps - I don't have a pdoc until may 23rd so I can't consult with her.