Yes I understand, I suffer from paranoia so I always think people are looking at me. Paranoia to me is like cancer. I rather have cancer then think people are going to set me up. I try to fit in and hide it. I isolate and now that I'm looking at myself at 36 I'm having like a nervous breakdown. Its hard to deal with feelings when nor drinking.

My condition had altered my personality. I think I'm very boring, I'm on disability, I'm in debt, bi polar. I never looked at myself the way I am now. I feel like I have to look good when I rather have the personality to make someone laugh. I'm so ready to drink but I know I can't. I'm 36 and if I don't face this now I'm a goner. I really think its paranoid schizophrenia and that word scares the **** out of me. My past I was so ugly on the inside. I never cared about anybody but myself. I use to be fun to be around, now I feel like a cancer. My addiction and bi polar or scitzophrenia ruined me.