I had a puppy chew my charger ans couldn't get on with my temp puter as I don't knw pass word and have had no energy to query it. So I am back. Ya, as usual a lot has happened. I am in unbearable pain and the docs don't quite know why, My back is good where we were treating with methadone and neurontin. O took an extra methadone today which is forbidden but it made me feel better. My primary is checking for some weird disease and I hope he finds it so I can at least have hope. My entire body hurts more the words can say. It hurts to be alive. And, to complicate that my friend's and their families have suffered tremendously. My friend's son shot himself in the head. It has been an ugly and yet beautiful time. He lived a very long time. It is complicated and a story of love.

me, I am never suicidal and here I magically wish for a way to escape the pain which is always a seven until I move. I am in so much freakin pain. I need answers.