I can relate to this on so many levels.
1st- throughout all of high school i was extremely anxious and depressed. However, I was too ashamed to tell my family, my doctors, etc.
-THIS WAS A BAD MOVE. I ended up getting worse and worse and I've had to leave 2 different colleges. Ended up in a hospital for a few weeks last summer.
-Whenever i would go out/see friends, we binge drink, do drugs, smoke weed, etc.... not a healthy lifestyle. i have since then cut most of those friends out of my life.
-I used to feel a large amount of guilt about random things.. my parents' divorce, past drug/alch binges, and even specific tiny things like 2 years ago i was being a ***** and wouldn't drive my sister somewhere. I have overcome the guilt since then, though in its place came many other worries..
-Those thoughts. Those horrible, sick, dark thoughts. I have been dealing with intrusive thoughts for YEARS and i CAN NOT get rid of them! I am able to ignore them sometimes... but my brain keeps telling me over and over and over again that suicide is the only option! That one is the hardest for me to deal with. I can handle thinking i'm lazy, worthless, pitiful, but i am struggling so much with the suicidality. It is scary!
DEFINITELY seek help. Though i feel bad now, i was much worse in the past. I would suggest DBT (Dialectical behavioral therapy), it has helped me manage the intrusive thoughts more than i thought i could.
You're not alone