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Originally Posted by Rose76
You would do well to try and develop what friendships you can manage to have, while you are pursuing your doctorate. You're ability to relate to other people will be just as important to your later success in what you do professionally, as your academic achievement.
If you run this question by the chairman of your department, I'll bet you get told what I've just said. Part of the goal of a doctoral program is to make you a generally well-developed human being. That's why you are required to take some courses that are outside your area of specialization. The program, in general, is supposed to contribute toward your overall maturity. This implies social maturity, as well. By now, you will have noticed that activity in your department specifically includes things that promote social interaction among faculty and grad students. You've probably been invited to the homes of professors. It is now that you start making professional contacts that may help your career. More importantly, it is now that you learn to be part of the collegiality that is part of being a professional.
If being social is challenging for you, now is the time to be working on that. Three years of isolating will just slow down your general progress in life.
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I haven't actually been invited to the homes of professors and there aren't anything specifically included for the social interaction among faculty and grad students (unless it only includes those with teaching assistantships which I have yet to get). I mean, it's hinted at, but we're sort of left up to our own luck with connecting with professors beyond the classroom. I think I would have trouble relating to professors as colleagues instead of professors. I'm not on their level. I'm not in the right place in my life and I don't know when I will be.
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Originally Posted by trying2survive
you can visit art museums, go to movies, hang out at a local park or beach, local sporting events, different types of fairs or music festivals/concerts(obviously some people like to get high to do this,but just a suggestion) fishing, hiking, kayaking, rock climbing and working out at the gym..lots of options the list goes on and on you just have to chose those options..i can tell you you will meet a lot different type of people at a health club, likely someone more trustworthy/compatible that has a common interest other than just getting high. i too have made a bad habit of trying to get close to the wrong kind of people & have paid for it more than once, so i totally understand where you are coming from, look back at your past friendships/relationships and see what is it about these people that you decided to get close to them & more importantly what makes them the wrong kind of people....hope this helps!  |
Technically, all of those activities could be done alone and they don't necessarily promote bonding (maybe hanging out at a local park would because there wouldn't be much else to do but talk). I've met plenty of people with tons of things in common with me, but there's no bond or connection. Nor are my needs met and I doubt theirs are either.
The reasons that I want to get closer to someone (or have in the past) could include one or more of the following (in no particular order):
1. They have access to pot.
2. They're someone I can drink with.
3. They treat me like a person (as opposed to an object, or that I'm invisible etc.)
4. They don't hate me/are afraid of me/etc. after getting to know me. Basically, they're non-judgmental.
5. I feel safe around them and don't think they're going to hurt me (physically or otherwise).
6. They are affectionate towards me in a way I can actually feel.
7. I'm attracted to them and wished I had a chance to date them.
8. They don't make fun of me.
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Originally Posted by trying2survive
if someone becomes a true friend, you'll keep in touch with them & they will keep in touch with you, no need to worry about if they "leave" or not, if they want out of your life, not really a friend. you can very much have meaningful relationships with people, just be yourself and people will love you for who you are, same applies to dating..be comfortable, be yourself. the point of dating is getting to know someone that you possibly can be with...if they are thinking "who is this weirdo" that's not the person for you, what you might be thinking as "weird" your date might be thinking "funny, quirky and fun to be around and not uptight" nobody wants to be on a date with someone that is uptight,
ultra worried about making a mistake..dating is about having fun and getting to know people. not all dates are good & not all are bad. if you have a good date and you enjoyed it, schedule another..if that person declines F*** 'em, next. it's their loss not yours, you have to be yourself or you'll never have fun or be happy..hope this helps!  |
I am myself (and relatively comfortable), but that's the problem. I'm open and honest to a fault. I don't feel I'm uptight on dates and I dress how I want to dress, even if the way I dress would probably make the person less attracted to me.
I wish dating could be fun…it was until I realized that even a good date with someone I'm compatible with won't lead to a second date and I'll never make it to the second date. It's next to impossible to even get a first date…I don't want to go alone to a bar, I've had a lot of bad experiences with online dating and have never gotten a first date (that I wasn't stood up on) on there anyway, my "friends" wouldn't help me…they would be attracted to me, but not want to date or anything. I guess they just wanted to lead me on...
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rose76
It does sound like you've got a lot to work on. Going into counseling might be a good idea for you. All the degrees in the world aren't going to get you very far, if you can not learn to interact with people in a more satisfying way. You owe it to yourself, to not accept your difficulties as hard-wired in, though they may kind of be. Some of your problems in getting emotionally satisfying relationships are do to an outlook you have that you could change. That's a big thing to undertake, but I think you'll have a better life, if you do.
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The degrees worth getting at all? And what if there really aren't any people available that can connect with on more than a superficial or professional level? I am an outcast among outcasts after all.