As I sit here with all the electronics confiscated because the notifications feel like they are piercing through my body Evey time they go off. I did not get out of bed today until 8 pm because my whole body was tighting up ever time a notification went of and I couldn't relax before the next one went off. There are six personal phones so imagine. The boys are on the computer with head phones and the devices I can't confiscate I'm still being told what it is and that its not about me (but they could be lying).

So I'm leaving for half a week to see the one friendship that I haven't ruined. I'm so scarred I don't want to loss my best friend. He knows what is going on and he has no issue getting me a bed at a facility if that's what he sees is needed. he's been there through psychosis if that's even what this is. We're suppose to leave to help with an easter party I have no idea if I'll be able to help like this.

My husband is sick of this. I asked him to write the letter saying he won't leave me childless and homeless if I go with my parents. He says he refuses to because I'll find something wrong with however he writes it and there's no wining with me. I asked him what if I'm like this forever? What if this is "stable me" ? He paused for a really long time. And just told me I must be exhausted I'd either learn to control it or (super long pause)..... You don't.

I don't want to ruin this for my friend, my husband or the kids. I'm thinking about just being completely stoned on my PRN for the weekend but my friend does want to see me too. I just don't know if I can handle thinking hundreds of people are talking about me. Having my husband hardly around me for two days. What if I stop understanding English while paranoid? The other friends that I lost have agreed not to come around until I get better.

How do I not ruin this for everyone? Is this actually psychosis?