I suppose that I should write this in general but I feel more comfortable here. My feeling of hope is so delicate that I am afraid to even say it but can't help but to say it. I checked a book out from the library about BPD. It actually had sections upon sections of things that I can do for myself other then take meds and go to therapy or not take meds and still go to therapy and to the hospital when things get bad. It actually talked positively about my ability to make things better for myself instead of being dependent on the advice of my T and the meds all all that rot that I am so sick of and that has only taken me so far. Don't get me wrong, I value my T and the meds. They got me through some really scary stuff but I have become stuck. I have gotten better tremedously better but it is like an orgasm that never quite breaks open. Wellness is there just a heartbeat away but I haven't been able to quite get a grasp on it. My T talks me through my crisises and teaches me to recognize distorted thinking. I understand all that and am getting good at it but the thinking still happens and the crisises still come and I get all the more frustrated because I can't make them stop. So I started thinking that maybe I am going about it all wrong and there must be something else that I could do but couldn't find any resources and my frustration just didn't seem to come across right in therapy but rather came out as just another tantrum and pouting session. But this book gave me hope. Things that I could do to help myself and yes it is all stuff that I already know but it gives references to other reading material that does not have to do with my illness but treats me like just another human being seeking wholeness. Somehow the author helped me to believe that it is possible and I could help myself and get better.
Carrie

<font color=blue>The important thing is this: to be able at any momeent to sacrifice what we are for what we could become.--Charles Du Bos