Sidony, what a confession! It takes guts to admit this to yourself, how much more so to your t! Though i venture to say it might be of value to discuss this with t.
Your style of writing is just so funny, made me laugh....
How long you been seeing this t?
Seems you still need to 'put up a facade' with this t, and as you feel more trusting with him and accepting of yourself you might just drop the need to appear a certain way for him.
I think it's a huge step in the right direction when we can shed our facades, and just be 'ourselves' in the company of our t's. To just 'be', and to be 'present', to 'exist', without shame or fear of rejection. To know that we are accepted for who we are, despite our imperfections. And that we don't need to 'appear' a certain way in order to gain the acceptance of our t, but most importantly of ourselves.