I am hypervigilent to distraction. I can't focus on anything but where the doors and emerg. exits are, windows, if they're open or closed, how many people are present (could care less if they're watching me, least of my worries and I've already assumed the worst about the people anyway) and are they blocking the exits, weapons, hiding places should I need one, etc. I never give up my coat for coat room incase I need to make a fast exit. I check to see if windows are low enough to ground outside that I could survive a jump. I am terrified every second of my life. Trust? I trust only in myself to take care of myself as no one else will if something happens. I depend on no one. Ever. And I am alone or taking care of everyone else as a result. I have been taking care of everyone my whole life and resent it (myself) but can't take the chance of ever becoming dependent on anyone and never will till I'm dead or paralyzed. I am never off. I run screaming in my dreams right out of the house at night. And I don't want to stop being hypervigilant because the moment I let down my guard, I will be harmed. I wish life were safer, that I could have a rest period. I'm so weary. Having just read my own reply, think the worst that could happen is my going on like this. This is worse than my worst fears....