thanks for replying MarkNoo11,
I don't have a therapist. Here where I live, that would be something I'd have to pay for and I can't. I have a psychiatrist, but I can't see him for another 3 weeks or so. I've had him for years, but there isn't much success. I've tried anti depressants and they wind me up. Apparently I'm bipolar, I guess. I say that because I don't get any mania like things happening for years. I do get a few days here and there where I have a little more energy. But not feeling content or happy. Just low, depressed..

It's life. And when I look at it, I know there is much worse that has happened to other people. I should be grateful. But there is so much pain. I can't get rid of it. I know that I could go buy some beer and feel a little numb for a while. But alcohol only causes me to do impulsive stupid things, which have ruined my life.
I know how I could feel a little better. Just ask for a higher dose of benzos. But then I'd be back on the same thing, just needing more and more. And I hate needing pills. I'm just sitting here venting and it somehow helps, but not really. I know there is someone out there that must be feeling ever so horrible too. It doesn't make me feel more like I'm not totally alone. We come in this life alone, we go out alone, we are always alone. Especially me. I don't think I'm a horrible person, but I don't have anyone near me that I could just go knock on their door and talk with.

Part of this makes no sense. I left a horrible husband. I should be glad he's gone. But he had to tell me yesterday, that his new gf is so awesome. She "has her **** together, she has a job, she owns her own home, she has a clean home", and he made sure I knew he was having sex with her. This shouldn't bother me. It's the putting me back in my mind, where he used to call me the most horrible names in the book, that has gotten me right back there. I feel hopeless and useless.

I started seeing someone, he acted like he really liked me, and that he would be back he said, again and again. In other words, I could count on him as a friend. He just stopped responding on Friday. No explanation. I guess he just decided I wasn't worth it.

I was okay as long as I thought I had someone in my life. I know a man can't fix my problems, but I felt less lonely. I felt wanted, really wanted, for the first time in almost 20 years of hell with the ex. I even tried fixing my marriage and that was so stupid of me. He was abusive. I should have left him, but he made me feel like I was worth nothing to anyone, but he kept acting like he was my only hope.

I fell apart, just because he had to smile yesterday at me, and I was near tears. He loved telling me how much better she is. He shouldn't be able to make me feel so horrible but he has.

I can't take this crappy life I led. There's no way to explain it, but there is nothing but embarrassments in my past, and failures.

My tinnitus is driving me nuts, it's so much worse. I know I shouldn't be blaring music in my ears but i don't care anymore. I can't eat, sleep...everythign hurts