I've always been prone to nightmares, in fact one of my earliest memories is of having nightmares where the walls, ceiling and doors all fell towards me. I would wake just before being crushed, I was under 2 years of age because these nightmares stopped when my brother was born just after my 2nd birthday. They stopped because I stayed at my auntie and uncle's house while my mum was in hospital giving birth. I had one of these nightmares then and I remember my uncle comforting me and explaining about bad dreams to me.

Fast forward to adulthood, depression and meds. I've been depressed on and off for more than 30 years. I'm currently taking Cymbalta 60mg, before this I was on Effexor, before that Celexa, before that Prozac. I had more frequent nightmares while on Celexa and Prozac but the Effexor and now the Cymbalta have really increased the frequency and the graphic detail and "reality" of these dreams. While on the Effexor, they became so bad I was afraid to sleep and the increased sleep deprivation ended up with me hallucinating certain elements of the bad dreams while awake. I really don't want to go down that route again with Cymbalta but fear that it is starting to happen.

The next few paragraphs will describe my most recent nightmare, which has scenes from the holocaust. Please don't read on if you could be triggered. I am still distressed by this dream nearly 20 hours later.









The dream took the form of a documentary, where I was the narrator, and also the people who were the subjects of the documentary. The documentary was an investigation into the modern day relevance of the so called "medical research" conducted in nazi concentration camps.

Not only did I describe the details of what happened, I was also a concentration camp "doctor", a guard and one of about a dozen young women who were in the gas chamber, I was aged about 20 and all the other women were like I was at that age. We were dressed in dirty, flimsy cotton shifts. The room had a strange sweet odour, we knew we would die but did not comprehend how this would come about in such a bare, stark room. The guard shut the door and went to the side of the "doctor".

Here my nightmare departs from the story of the holocaust. The narrator described what would happen next. The "doctor" then explained to the narrator why this "research" was "necessary". The women would not be gassed with cyanide, instead a new agent would be used, this would cause the uterus to rupture and haemorrhage catastrophically, the purpose of the "experiment" was to develop a new chemical agent for warfare. I awoke just as the "doctor" started to introduce the chemical agent to the chamber.

I dread falling asleep right now, I fear that there is worse to come. I am truly sorry that I had to describe this vile nightmare, but I could not bear to have these images in my head and I need to know that I am not alone tonight.