It hit me last night. What is worse then all of the Physical things I suffered growing up? Lovelessness! I didn't have any love, I don't know how to love. My flashbacks I feel most of the times are of a moment in time when I am frozen and alone. I never understood what these flashbacks were showing me.

They were those moments where yet again something had come about where I needed a mothers love but that oppertunity had yet again been missed. It was the emptyness, the futility of the situtation.

I keep getting this feeling of wanting to love someone, something but I shut it down as soon as it lifts its head. It learnt that to love means to be shamed, to feel ineduqate. It was just a painful reminder of something I was missing.

Sometimes I tell T I'm gonna quit therapy before we reach the ending because I don't want to have to mourn the loss. I want to quit on my terms and wipe it all out of my memory. T says that way I wipe out the good as well.

I didn't know exactly what she meant by the good. Now i know, its the times I feel "loved" by her. I fear feeling that love because it hurts, its scary, I don't want to remember a time it wasn't there. I'm afraid to let it into my life now incase I have to re-experience loosing it or not having it.

I dreamt last night after these thoughts, that I decided to leave my house that we bought 11 yrs ago and returned to the run down tower block I once lived in for 12yrs, where drugs and squalor were the norm. In this dream I was trying to convince myself I was happy to be back in that dump and not in my lovely home I have now. I wondered if that was my experiencing going back to that time when love didn't exist?

It was a powerful dream and I know I am not ready yet to feel those feelings of loss in my waking hours. My depression is up and down right now. I feel so much then shut down again.

My memorys of my physical abusers are a cover to hide from me the pain of there being no love in my life! This isn't a post to blame anyone, it is just how it was!